I’m addicted to the chase like a rat with a cocaine dispenser and I can’t escape
I wake up in the morning and my mouth and throat feels like I’ve been eating sand all night.
I swing my legs out of bed and push myself up as gently as I can. Partly because I wake up every morning feeling stiff (no, not stiff in that way, that hasn’t happened for a few years now)
... and partly because I’m anticipating pain in my feet, knees, lower back, neck as I get up.
I shuffle to the toilet because I honestly don’t feel like I can lift my feet up without falling over.
My pee is orange. I only have half a bladder full of course because I was up in the night.
I sit and read my emails on my phone.
I know this was a stupid mistake but I can’t stop. I can’t seem to convince myself that this won’t give me a head start.
In this one simple move I have turned my beautiful family into irritating distractions as I spend breakfast time in no mans land.
Half with them, half working - basically doing two tasks poorly.
I have to lean forward past my belly to see if I’ve finished. The sensation isn’t what it was...
I get showered then dressed - something that requires a lot more sitting, grunting and holding on than it used to.
Finally I get my caffeine fix. It was once a little pick me up.
I now drink so much of it I actually tell people it doesn’t effect me like one of those drunk 18 year olds slurring and stumbling and trying to convince everyone that they’re FINE. It’s me I’m trying to convince I know, caffeine is my drug of choice and I’ll happily lie to you and me to protect it.
I head out the door, already emotionally triggered enough times to half empty my energy reserves.
I’m good at work, it’s where I shine but lately I’ve been wondering what the point is.
What’s the purpose of this?
What’s my legacy?
If I wasn’t doing this, somebody else would be.
The money is great don’t get me wrong but it’s not success.
Success is doing what you want, when you want and with who you want and this shit just feels like productivity for productivities sake.
Like a hamster in a wheel. Sure it’s turning, but who cares? I’m not sure it’s for me anymore.
I don’t know the way out though. I feel like I’m racing to win a competition to prove that I can to buy things I don’t need to impress people I don’t care about.
But I can’t let the wheel stop spinning, I’m addicted like a rat with a cocaine dispenser but unlike the rat, I know it’s killing me.
I get home later than I promised to a disappointed family. I’m already racked with guilt before I get home - a poison that I know is draining me but my wife’s disapproval feels like another dose of the same poison.
The only way I can unwind now before bed is to numb my gut - brain connection without alcohol.
I stick Netflix on and surf my phone for distraction or ways to keep the hamster wheel spinning til morning.
The little voice that is my better judgement is tiny now. It tells me to go to bed early and it’ll all feel better in the morning, but the voice is pretty unconvincing and if I’m honest I really want to delay going through all of that again tomorrow and staying awake strangely feels like the best way to do that.
The truth is I don’t know what I need. I know I can’t do this much longer. I want to feel better, I want to enjoy my life more, I want to wake up energised, I want to feel purposeful, I want to connect more deeply with my family.
Is it diet, will fixing my pain, or energy or exercise make it all a bit easier?
... is it coaching I need?
I really don’t know. I guess that’s why I’m here.
You tell me...
If this is your story or something close to it. You’re closer to a transformation than you know.
Most people aren’t ready to tell the truth to themselves let alone someone else.
The truth is a rocket launcher for transformation. It is so powerful that it makes my job easy.
Ready to share your truth?