Different perspectives as a leader

“Why didn’t you put him straight?”

I spoke to a mate the other day who had listened to an old podcast interview I’d done to see what he was in for when I interviewed him.

The guest on the show he listened to was explaining something about the brain.

As a client of mine he knew that I had a different perspective that he’d found useful and adopted himself.

He wanted to know why I didn’t jump in

and if I found it hard to not jump in.

I think the answer is useful or at least it was to me.

I used to find it REALLY hard to not “correct”.

Something about just leaving it seemed unsafe.

The thought is something like,

“He’s wrong, I must speak. What if he thinks I agree with him. I MUST correct him”.

All nonsense really

There’s no real danger

His second question is interesting though

Why didn’t I jump in?

Actually, it was when I started deciding what my objective was in the conversation.

Whether it was a coaching session, a first time meeting someone, a podcast, a business planning session, a conflict resolution etc

The objectives are different and so the approach and rules.

Sometimes those rules are implicit.

Sometimes they need to be explicit.

It was certainly never to be most RIGHT.

But for podcasts and most social conversations my aim is to understand what THEY think and what THEY believe that has helped them to create the experience of life they now have.

And to create trust between us.

And after a while (30 odd years) I realised that a difference of opinion wasn’t dangerous or threatening to me.

And the best way to kill a conversation, prevent that discovery and often wound a relationship is to try and dominate by making them wrong.

Ironically, trying to make them wrong doesn’t come from strength.

It comes from fear and as it turns out, an irrational one.

And what I’ve discovered is that I learn so much more and have so much richer relationships and feel a much greater sense of freedom when I lose the idea of right and wrong.

And perhaps even more surprisingly, or not depending on your perspective,

When you stop trying to make people wrong and you just explore, they are more free to see flaws in their own thinking and will more freely let go of ideas that don’t add up in their own head (the only place beliefs ever change).

And you automatically give yourself permission to not have to so violently defend your own ideas allowing you to grow more quickly too.

People only hold on tight to things YOU try to take away from them.

Defence only happens in the presence of attack.

Stop the attack and you’ll create far more freedom of ideas.

The answer to the question

Why are they being so rigid in their beliefs is usually because they feel under threat so they are violently defending it EVEN if they don’t fully believe it.

In fact things we truly believe don’t require defence at all.

Do I still get triggered sometimes?

Absolutely.

But only when I fail to set the intent and the rules in my head.