Asking What's wrong with me as a leader?

I have stood on stage and bombed.

I’ve come off stage and for days I’ve asked.

What’s wrong with me?

Pulling apart each aspect of my identity and judging it harshly. Reviewing my every word and quirk.

Wow, I fumbled that word, no wonder it bombed. Who do I think I am doing this?

Then when sufficient time has passed I’ve taken the time to review the STRATEGY of speakers I admire and what I’ve found is quirks, error, fumbled words but a very distinct process that made their success not necessarily inevitable but at least significantly more likely.

I’ve sat in frustration and even infuriation at my inability to grow my business despite so many people saying to me,

“Ed, I love your writing, I read every day, I love how you make me think.”

And again I’ve found myself judging.

Judging people I perceive to be doing better, the market, myself.

What’s wrong with me or them?

All as a means to resist how I was feeling at not having succeeded at my first attempt.

But then when I’ve deeply reviewed what needs to be true for someone to go on a journey from stranger to connection and connection to client I can see an underlying process that if not followed will never move people to reach out to you because they believe you are the person they trust to help them achieve what they want to achieve.

I’ve done the same with my health, with leadership, with parenting, with smoking and drinking.

In fact it’s the greatest ongoing struggle of my life.

Confusing process problems for identity problems and wasting time, energy and emotion beating myself up.

Rather than mapping a process, testing that process and then editing accordingly.

Today I keep my eye out for the pointing fingers, where ever I’m pointing it I see that I’m missing a clear and testable process and in the absence of process identity is all there is to blame.

Theirs or mine.

How about you?

Do you find yourself constantly feeling like an impostor, constantly judging yourself?