“Why didn’t you put him straight?”

I was chatting to a mate the other day who had listened to an old podcast interview I’d done to see what he was in for when I interviewed him.

The guest on the show he listened to was explaining something about the brain.

As a client of mine he knew that this was my area and that I had a different perspective that he’d found useful and adopted himself.

He wanted to know why I didn’t jump in

and if I found it hard to not jump in.

I’m writing this because I think the answer is useful or at least it was to me.

I used to find it REALLY hard to not “correct”.

Something about just leaving it seem unsafe.

The thought is something like,

“He’s wrong, I must speak. What if he thinks I agree with him. I MUST correct him”.

All nonsense really.

There’s no real danger.

His second question is interesting though.

Why didn’t I jump in?

Actually, it was when I started deciding what my objective was in the conversation.

Whether it was a coaching session, a first time meeting someone, a podcast, a business planning session, a conflict resolution etc

The objectives are different and so the approach and the rules.

Sometimes those rules are implicit.

Sometimes they need to be explicit or everything can go wrong fast.

It was certainly never to be most RIGHT.

But for podcasts and most social conversations my aim is to understand what THEY think and what THEY believe that has helped them to create the experience of life they now have.

And to create trust between us.

And after a while (30 odd years) I realised that a difference of opinion wasn’t dangerous or threatening to me and in most cases doesn’t even need settling.

And the best way to kill a conversation, prevent that discovery and often wound a relationship is to try and dominate by making them wrong.

Ironically, trying to make them wrong doesn’t come from strength.

It comes from fear and as it turns out, an irrational one.

And what I’ve discovered is that I learn so much more and have so much richer relationships and feel a much greater sense of freedom when I lose the idea of right and wrong.

And perhaps even more surprisingly, or not depending on your perspective,

When you stop trying to make people wrong and you just explore, they are more free to see flaws in their own thinking and will more freely let go of beliefs that don’t add up in their own head (the only place beliefs ever change).

And you automatically give yourself permission to not have to violently defend your own ideas allowing you to grow more quickly too.

People only hold on tight to things YOU try to take away from them.

^^ I think that’s worth knowing.

Defence only happens in the presence of attack.

Stop the attack and you’ll create far more freedom of ideas.

The answer to the question,

Why are they being so rigid in their beliefs is usually...

Because they feel under threat and so they are violently defending it EVEN if they don’t fully believe it.

In fact things we truly believe don’t require defence at all do they?

People violently defend their diet when it isn’t working for them those in perfect health simply aren’t triggered.

It’s doubt and uncertainty that creates most fear.

Do I still get trigger and react how I said I wouldn’t sometimes?

Absolutely.

But only when I fail to set the intent and the rules in my head.

Ultimately the aim of leadership, coaching, parenting is the same.

To support those we are interacting with to clarity.

The truth is that we can’t have an epiphany on someone else’s behalf. It is in helping some explore their own thoughts that what doesn’t serve falls away and what’s left is clarity.

You cannot remove someone else’s doubts and fear and they can’t hear their truth until you stop telling them yours.