So I’ve been plagued by this most of my life

Getting defensive.
Withdrawing from people.
Explaining why they’re wrong.
Getting angry when someone cancels on me.

Basically, being someone I didn’t want to be in relationships.

I was relieved when I discovered everyone has their own version of this — just usually less sarcastic.

The brain is always measuring our safety within the tribe.

Through the anterior cingulate cortex (mostly), it constantly scans for risk of losing or opportunity to gain hierarchy and connection.

So it up-regulates when someone doesn’t respond to an email, cancels a meeting last minute, or explains something obvious to us.

The alarm goes off, and the thought that follows is: what does this mean about me?

Loss of hierarchy looms. So I react to protect my status — or retreat to console the loss.

What’s important is that when the feeling and thought show up, we examine them instead of assuming they’re truth.

It can be as simple as asking:
They think I’m stupid — is that true? What evidence do I have to the contrary?

With this simple tool, we become far less reactive or withdrawn.

Because the reality is, most people are just overwhelmed with more responsibility, tasks, and communication than they can possibly manage.

This tool helps our behaviour finally match that knowledge.