So I’ve been plagued by this most of my life

Getting defensive

Withdrawing from some people

Explaining to people how they’re wrong

Getting agree when people cancel on me

Basically being someone other than I wanted to be with others.

I was pretty relieved when I discovered everyone has their own version of this going on.

Although probably a far less sarcastic version.

The brain is always measuring our level of safety within the tribe

Via a part of the brain called the Anterior Cingulate Cortex (mostly) it constantly scans for risk of loss or opportunity to gain hierarchy and connection.

So it up regulates when someone doesn’t respond to an email, cancels a meeting last minute, explains something obvious to us,

The alarm goes off and thought that comes in is, what does this mean about me?

They don’t respect me

They think they’re better than me.

They think I’m stupid.

Loss of hierarchy looms, I better REACT and protect my status or RETREAT and console my loss of status.

What’s important is that when the feeling and thought comes in, we examine it rather than just see it as truth and reach from it.

Often that’s just as simple as asking if it’s truth,

They think I’m stupid, is that true?

What evidence do I have to the contrary.

Use this simple tool and you’ll be far less reactive or withdrawn.

We all know that almost everyone has far more responsibility and incoming tasks and communication than they can possibly manage. With this tool our behaviour can match that knowledge.