How to stop caring what people think

How to stop caring about what people think and start living

That’s sort of the big dilemma.

If we could just stop caring about what people think then life would get way easier.

I could follow that diet without constantly being knocked off by my friends.

I could go after the career I really want rather than the one my parents wanted for me.

I could say what I want to say to my boss or my employees without fear of what they might think.

I could dance like nobody was watching and single like nobody is listening.

And a million other things.

Some even hold it up like a badge or a flag they climbed up a mountain to plant.

“ I don’t care what anyone thinks!”

They exclaim.

The truth is that there is no silver bullet or magic formula.

We are wired to care what people think and that’s a good thing.

We put clothes on, we brush our teeth, we wear deodorant, all because we care what people think.

We are polite (most of the time) we don’t lie, cheat, steal, or covert thy neighbours Ox half as much as we might because our Anterior Cingular Cortex is constantly scanning the environment and asking...

Who do I love and who loves me?

And it does it long before we have time to consciously tell ourselves we don’t care.

And then follows social convention in order to fit in and all that’s great.

But once we’ve decided on having clean teeth and not smelling too much and not tell everyone exactly what we are thinking all of the time (unless behind the wheel of a car of course or a key board) what we see as important is a little more complex.

Our brain sort of sorts “everything” into a hierarchical value book shelf from high to low.

Always act this way to never act this way and it is this book shelf that we see as us and we protect it ferociously as if it is actually who we are.

Fortunately our logical human brain and our emotional animal brain both have access to these books

Each of these books contain our value and memory around a certain idea and we can pull it out and take another look at it. Re-think it and re-shelf it in at a different level.

We might decide for example that having the difficult conversation with our partner about how we want to raise our children is more important than keeping the peace. It might even lead to more peace and happiness longer term.

Then in following this process we don’t necessarily remove the fear but we do become clearer on what’s important to us and in so doing we can prepare a targeted shot of bravery.

And nothing makes us more brave than using our bravery muscles.

In short we shouldn’t wish for less fear, it’s not coming but with the re-organising of values and the targeting bursts of bravery we get the best of both worlds.